My senior year of high school and freshman year of college. 2003 is a loaded year for me. Trying to isolate my feelings about the year from the films should be harder. Thankfully there are some great and not so great films to make it easier.

The bottom 25 grossers of 2003.

#76. Uptown Girls. Brittany Murphy deserved so much better it kinda enrages me. She was a genuine star with a unique presence. This was ok but it didn’t play to her offbeat strengths.

#77. Matchstick Men. Nicolas Cage. Sam Rockwell. The all too underused Alison Lohman. Ridley Scott. An adaptation of a book by the should be legendary Eric Garcia. This was a modest performer but it should’ve been more. It’s one of the most charming, likable films of the year. Highly recommended.

#78. National Security. I never understood Martin Lawrence as a star. He’s so abrasive and unlikable. There’s an air of darkness about him. This was a generic action comedy. It’s long been forgotten. Like most of his films.

#79. What A Girl Wants. There is something indescribably sad about seeing an Amanda Bynes vehicle in 2018. What we know for certain is limited but what’s likely true is sad. My sympathy for her is epic. One thing about this film: Colin Firth played her father. I’m still figuring that out.

#80. Jeepers Creepers 2. This movie’s existence is unforgivable. Victor Salva’s career is unforgivable. I feel like I need an explanation as to how POC and women can struggle to find work but a literal sex criminal had a film funded by a major studio.

#81. Intolerable Cruelty. I chose this over Kill Bill vol. 1. On paper Coens vs Tarantino was a genuine coin flip in 2003. In reality it was an epic mistake. This is so bad I’m in awe of it. It’s like a bad Coen Brothers pastiche except they made it. This feels so utterly loud and cloying next to the genuine charm coming just a few months later with The Ladykillers.

#82. Cradle 2 the Grave. This is so very 2003. Jet Li. DMX. I didn’t see this because weirdly even at 19 I felt too old for this. Like it was someone’s idea of cool and even then I didn’t feel that.

#83. Monster. The winner for Best Actress and the only film for Patty Jenkins before Wonder Woman. It’s actually kind of cool how well this did on a very low budget. There are big titles still to come. This found viewers.

#84. Malibu’s Most Wanted. Jamie Kennedy should’ve been a supporting comic presence for his full career. He was so good in the first two Screams. Putting him in the lead was a giant mistake. I’ve only seen bits of this and it’s pretty bad.

#85. The Hunted. William Friedkin. Tommy Lee Jones. Benicio Del Toro. Kinda weird this evaporated so fast. Then again I barely know anything about this one even now.

#86. Stuck on You. The Farrelly Brothers had three comic classics fresh out of the gate. Then they stumbled and haven’t recovered yet. This is well liked by some but it’s far from that early greatness.

#87. Dreamcatcher. Yikes. This was an unreadable Stephen King book that just got worse and worse as Lawrence Kasdan and William Goldman, two geniuses themselves, mucked with it. This one is legendarily bad for a reason.

#88. Darkness Falls. What could’ve been. This was intended as a cool monster movie that was warped into a generic Freddy Krueger knockoff. As is, it’s unbearable. I hate that I even know how great the monster designs were.

#89. Bend it Like Beckham. This one had an impact far larger than its initial release. It’s still mentioned among sports films. The omnipresent–and blindingly sexist–ads of Ain’t it Cool News were a running joke. It’s endured.

#90. The Core. It’s not nice to point and laugh at such a transparent bomb but wow this never got close to being what it wanted to be. A huge flop that chased the disaster movie trend too late. Or a year early as The Day After Tomorrow cleaned up.

#91. Calendar Girls. I’m passing on this one. Obviously I wasn’t the target audience and won’t ever be. Sure it’s lovely. Next.

#92. Hollywood Homicide. Josh Hartnett’s days as a star didn’t last long. This was within two years of his debut as a leading man and it crushed that into fine powder. By contrast Harrison Ford’s days as a star did last a good long time. And this still crushed his “star” days for good.

#93. Honey. Oof. Definitely not my thing. I hate being mean to Jessica Alba. She seems nice. But she’s not an actress. Also there’s some weird race bending here. I just shouldn’t touch this one.

#94. The Fighting Temptations. The canon of Jonathan Lynn is fascinating to me. He’s not untalented as Clue and My Cousin Vinny show. He is, however, kind of reliably safe. This fits perfectly into that. A nice, safe star vehicle for Cuba Gooding Jr. and the surprisingly mythic Beyonce.

#95. Johnny English. This tanked in the US but we’re about to get part 3. We’re a bonus market to British cinema. Though Love Actually did great here the same year. Not covering it but I love that film.

#96. The Missing. Reminder: Solo is nowhere near Ron Howard’s biggest letdown at the B.O. This was how he followed up the Oscar winning smash A Beautiful Mind. This one really didn’t work with critics or audiences. It’s not that westerns were dead in 2003 with Open Range doing stellar. Just not this.

#97. Basic. God I hate this movie. This is so bad the ending kicks you in the gut and screams with laughter. It’s a shell game that spends the entire film trying to convince you something is happening then it turns out all of it was a lie. It’s not even well made.

#98. A Man Apart. Look the whole solo star thing for Vin Diesel…it wasn’t ever going to happen. Definitely not him Acting. Nope. No. It’s funny how this was a bomb but as we’ll see in a bit the franchise he opted out of returning to did just fine.

#99. Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas. I take no joy in this. The death of DreamWorks cel animation studio. (CG…well remember last column.) Start to finish four films in 4.5 years. Pretty sad. The sad truth is with the exception of The Prince of Egypt, the films never matched the talent.

#100. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd. Weird that nobody wanted to watch a soulless prequel which just retold the first film. When I saw The Matrix Reloaded this was on the Thursday of week one. Nobody was there. The actual sequel went so far as to make this non-canon.
The top 25 grossers of 2003

#25. American Wedding. I have no shame in saying I love these films. We’ll double back to the first two in time. They’re well made, surprisingly sweet films. This one closes up the arc started in 1999 rather nicely. Only downside is some sluggish direction.

#24. How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Bring back the romantic comedy. Viewers still love them. This one is still beloved. Bring the genre back! That said this film sets me on edge. I really kinda hate it. It’s loud. But I’m hoping the genre is resurgent.

#23. The Italian Job. I feel like this one has found a nice nook in the cultural memory. Not talked about much but when it is everyone gets happy. Just a solid midrange film. Some very talented people got paid. F. Gary Gray works nonstop likely based on this.

#22. Scary Movie 3. I don’t even know what to say about this one. It’s atrocious. But it’s harmless. It’s utterly useless. But the third act Matrix humor, especially in the hands of the great George Carlin, kind of worked. It’s bad. But fun.

#21. Freaky Friday, a rare remake that seems as beloved to the current generation as the first was to its. Not one I saw but one people liked. A precursor to the next year’s Mean Girls also from director Mark Waters and star Lindsay Lohan.

#20. The Last Samurai. An it’s fine movie. Nothing memorable. Nothing special. But nothing too bad. Annoying it’s told through a white lens but Ken Watanabe rules in this. Failed Oscar bait definitely. Good John Logan script though. Logan, Star Trek Nemesis aside, is a beast of a writer.

#19. Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. I despise this overly noisy, annoying film that buries the charm of the first under an eye bleeding glaze of the ugliest 3D I’ve ever seen. Oh I hate this thing so much. I’m mad that I paid to see it still.

#18. S.W.A.T. The big Colin Farrell year peaked here. Since I have nothing to say abo

#17. Seabiscuit. Meh. This movie kind of makes me angry because of how weirdly awful it is. It’s so saccharine and kind of obsessive about making you feel that sweetness. Gary Ross was a one hit wonder as a director in my book.

#16. Something’s Gotta Give. Look, I really didn’t like this movie but you know what? I’ll acknowledge it’s phenomenally made. It looks great. It’s very well acted. It wasn’t for me but I was way too hard on it in 2003. The ending is bad though. Diane Keaton deserved Keanu.

#15. 2 Fast 2 Furious. It’s kinda weird how this franchise blew up later. This was an eh performer in 2003 but it would become massive later. For now it bides its time, a giant doing ok but soon to roar.

#14. Hulk. Y’all have decided in retrospect that this is an underrated film. A good film. And I am going to be blunt: no. This is not a lost gem. It’s absurdly silly. It’s not fun. It’s way too brightly lit. This is a bad movie. A very bad movie.

#13. Bringing Down The House. And Hulk is a masterpiece next to this long study of everything one could possibly get wrong in one film.

#12. Anger Management. Technically speaking I paid to see this. The print broke during the trailers. My mom and I took our free passes and saw Holes (not on the list but a joy) instead. I don’t care to ever go back. It’s a thing.

#11. Bad Boys 2. It’s weird this one intimidates me. I’m not sure if I hate this film or enjoy it. It’s so very intense and what it’s intense about is awful…but I kinda like it anyway? It’s just not one I’ve cracked. I wasn’t bored. That’s what I’ll say.

#10. Cheaper by the Dozen. If we hated Steve Martin in 2003, we couldn’t have been meaner to him than by making these films hits. I didn’t see it. I wasn’t the audience.

#9. The Matrix Revolutions. This may be the only time I can see a 50% dropoff between a film and its sequel in one list. This…this is not a good film. Only Wachowski film I dislike. Kinda hate that. I get that it’s ambitious. I don’t like it at all.

#8. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: I just trashed an ambitious film and I’m about to say I like this useless sequel but yeah I do like it. It’s a brain off action movie but a fun one. That said we didn’t need it, we don’t need anything since, and we didn’t even need T2.

#7. Elf. Yay! This has become a Christmas classic. Damn right it has. This is a joyous, funny film that just makes me happy. Why do I think it landed like it did? Ferrell. This was his Old School follow up. That crowd was going to see whatever he did next. Then they had kids. Add that to an already big family audience and this was huge.

#6. X2. I feel like every time I see an X-Men movie, I find it the best in the series. And really with time they all become one blur. A good blur that I really like but a blur. This is one of the less faint parts of the blur but still a giant, pleasant blur.

#5. Bruce Almighty. I’ve never had any interest in going near this film and I have less now after Jim Carrey’s anti-vaccine stance. This one was huge though. Weirdly huge when you look at what surrounds it.

#4. The Matrix Reloaded. See this I dig. Like a lot. It’s weird as all get out but that’s why those genius sisters rule. They took a heavily anticipated sequel and made a mind screw that makes you question the value of a sequel. There is so much greatness in every frame. I JUST BARELY saw it theatrically but it was money well spent.

#3. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse if the Black Pearl. The first three films are straight ripping yarns. I have nothing negative to say about any of them. Sure they’re ungainly but that’s what a sea myth is. Just so much love for these.

#2. Finding Nemo. Confession: I like this movie. I don’t love it and even like is an upgrade from my initial, very negative views. It’s just so loose in its plot structure. Even worse: I really love Finding Dory which just moved me more due to its powerful treatment of mental disability. Nemo is just good. Sorry.

#1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The Best Picture of the year and I can’t begin to disagree. The Lord of the Rings trilogy felt in the moment like something classic you just happened to be watching the day of release (as I did all 3 films.) Epic defined with some of the absolute greatest visuals in film history. And what a finale we got. The reason these films endure is they stuck the landing. And the middle. And the beginning.

Next time: The Superhero age begins in 2002.

When I realized 2004 was ahead for me on this column, I groaned. I groaned hard. For a year with some great films, 2004 is also a minefield of a year. It is a year with some political films. It is a year with some very bad films.

The Bottom 25

#76. The Ladykillers. Hot take: I like this film a lot. By another director, it’s a funny little gem. It’s fluffy if maybe unnecessarily R-rated. Tom Hanks, J.K. Simmons, and Marlon Wayans are hilarious. It’s a weirdly idiosyncratic film that should have been received as such. However it’s by the Coen Brothers (in their first official co-crediting!) so it’s viewed as a giant misfire. Bah.

#77. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. This one hurts. On one hand, I passionately love this film and hate that it was the epic bomb it was. On the other hand, of course it bombed because I have no idea who the hell it was for except me. It’s a big budget steampunk epic that’s overdosing on its love of 30s imagery. A truly wonderful film but, yeah, not a shock.

#78. Raising Helen. Didn’t see it. Wasn’t the audience. Honestly never got the appeal of Kate Hudson. Do get the appeal of the late Garry Marshall. Cheers to him for not only playing a riff on himself on BoJack Horseman but playing a riff that underlined how unfair the criticism his films got was. True, a lot of them weren’t very good. But so what? They weren’t Casablanca (which was in and of itself a studio programmer that accidentally became the greatest film ever.)

#79. Taxi. I’ve seen Jimmy Fallon live. Back in 2002 I saw him do a show. He’s a funny guy. He worked the room great. He’s a great talk show host. And he’s not a bad actor. He was quite good in the wildly underseen Fever Pitch, a warm but maybe a step too low key film. Film didn’t happen for him. Also what was with Queen Latifah’s run of movies with male costars who showed her no sexual interest? Hated that.

#80. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Get ready to feel like you’re looking at a strobe light. The number of great films, in this case the best film of the year, next to bombs, is baffling. This made less than Taxi but left a meteoric footprint in the culture. The absolute end of Jim Carrey’s good movies came with one of his best.

#81. Alexander. I hate Oliver Stone. This was a hard bomb that’s been recut and recut and recut and nobody has ever been satisfied with it. I feel like maybe it could’ve been a success had it just come out in a year not choked with biopics. At least it helped kill out the idea Colin Farrell was a movie star and sent him on to the character acting he’s amazing at.

#82. Closer. For someone who was the it guy in 2004, Jude Law didn’t have it very good at the box office with Sky Captain actually his biggest grosser in 2004. This wasn’t a hit. It’s also a deeply polarizing movie with some finding it aggravatingly stagey. Me? I think it’s great, part of Mike Nichols’ wonderful late career boom where he reminded us all few have handled actors on his level. Law, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, and especially Natalie Portman are explosive in this. It won’t make you feel good but it’s a feast all the same.

#83. The Punisher. It doesn’t shock me this isn’t a good movie. The Punisher stinks as a character. The only way to do him right is as black comedy like War Zone or the Garth Ennis run this stole from poorly. Here’s what you don’t do. You don’t move him to Tampa. You don’t overlight the film. You give it atmosphere. This is a bad movie.

#84. Team America: World Police. Remember how I said 2004 is a minefield? This is the first big one we cross. I hate this film and I hate it in part for being so let down by it I claimed I wasn’t at first. The longer it’s sat with me, the worse it really is. This is a lazy film that felt so slapped together I was stunned to learn it was actually a passion project. This movie’s nihilistic “everybody is bad” approach reflects something deeply toxic in our culture.

#85. Taking Lives. For a “star,” Angelina Jolie doesn’t make a lot of hits. That’s fine. She makes a lot of very good movies. This is just OK but it’s fun to see her and perpetual weirdo Ethan Hawke playing off each other. Genius twist too.

#86. Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid. I didn’t see this in name only Anaconda sequel so can I use this space to point out Anaconda is awesome? A really great cast including Ice Cube kicking ass in what was obviously a tongue in cheek joke of a film. I love that wild film.

#87. Cellular. Larry Cohen! I may never get to talk about the bizarre genius that is Larry Cohen again so I’ll gush here. Cohen is the master of the weird high concept such as killer yogurt or guy trapped in a phone booth. This is a good one (albeit one where his script was gutted.) A woman is held hostage and the only hope is a random guy she calls. In this case it’s Kim Basinger calling Chris Evans at the start of him being more than just a smartass era. Damn good gem.

#88. Johnson Family Vacation. Not a movie I knew anything about then and know less about now.

#89. Open Water. This one interests me. This was thought to be the next indie sensation horror film. Then it just…wasn’t. It did ok but compared to the hype it was just ok. The indie horror that hit this year? Saw which took the #55 slot.

#90. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. This was the other Lindsay Lohan teen comedy to hit in 2004. Mean Girls, at #28, falls just outside my sphere of discussion. I didn’t see this one and aside from being Megan Fox’s first notable role nobody remembers it, so I’ll use this space to say Mean Girls was that good. It holds up. It’s still great.

#91. After The Sunset. There’s so much going for this one I’m kind of curious why it wasn’t better known. Probably because Pierce Brosnan, Salma Hayek, Don Cheadle, and Woody Harrelson aren’t movie stars. They’re well known and extremely gifted but have they ever had hits on their own? Not really.

#92. The Prince and Me. The moment where we can call it: It didn’t happen for Julia Stiles. That’s a shame but 5 years after 10 Things I Hate About You, movie stardom wasn’t in the cards for her. Also 5 years later? She shouldn’t have been stuck in this kind of film.

#93. Garden State. I like this movie dammit. Just getting that out of the way. Sure its messages about mental health are, um, nightmarishly dangerous but I like it. I think this might also be the zeitgeist movie of 2004. We had it good. We weren’t ok. We were struggling to deal. That meant being a bit irritating. Another big triumph for Portman, too. Why did she survive her work in the Prequels? 2004.

#94. Jersey Girl. I love Kevin Smith. He’s the king of truly nice guys in film and he’s made some classic comedies. So I hate how much I loathe this movie. There isn’t one tonally correct note in it. It’s a weirdly dark and angry film for a supposedly sweet story. It’s just ugly and nasty. George Carlin’s great though.

#95. Twisted. The last of the Ashley Judd in danger movies. Those were a big thing. It’s weird they’re not anymore. This might be why. I always liked her though.

#96. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Yay I’m going to get torched! I hate this movie. I really hate this movie. Hate is not too strong a word either. This unbearably smug, cloying, cutesy tripe annoyed me right up until the sequence where he finds the fish. Then it becomes transcendent. But it’s only because Staralflur by Sigur Ros is art. This movie also killed Touchstone Pictures. Well done.

#97. Around The World in 80 Days. Wild thought: this was supposed to be a massive hit for Disney. Like the Mike Todd version it was an excuse for cameos. And nobody cared. I’m not even sure it’s in circulation.

#98. Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London. I was too old for the original. I was too old for the sequel. Are these even nostalgia items? I want to know!

#99. Hotel Rwanda. I feel like there’s always a low budget film to remind me its all relative on these lists. After the Sunset? A bomb for Don Cheadle. This? A hit. Why? It’s about the Rwandan genocide so cracking 20 million was a victory.

#100. Ella Enchanted. Given that this apparently had nothing to do with the book, I get why this didn’t spark. It had a mixed reception and Miramax was at their end. But with time I think this has done ok. I think much of that stems from Anne Hathaway exploding once she left behind her youth oriented roles. That feels like a perfect segue to our next section.

The Top 25 Grossers of 2004

#25. The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. In which we reach the end of that youth. After this it’s Brokeback Mountain and her work in that eradicated this. (Havoc went DTV the same year but nobody saw it.) And I’m discussing Garry Marshall again too. Look, these weren’t for me but I appreciate that they gave a talented actress her break and Chris Pine pops up here!

#24. Million Dollar Baby. The mines are going to come hard and fast, I stress. On one hand, this is a poetic, well shot, phenomenally acted film with the best work Clint Eastwood will ever do as an actor. On the other hand, this movie’s message is utterly despicable, a celebration of euthanasia as the right option for paralysis. This beat the unnominated Eternal Sunshine and The Aviator for best picture. Grrr.

#23. Collateral. Hell yeah. I’m not going to make anybody mad here. This is an amazing film with career best work from Jamie Foxx and the second best performance by Tom Cruise yet. I hate Michael Mann’s affinity for cheap looking digital cinematography but this should feel like the scuzziest home movie and it looks great. Foxx deserved best actor for this and not the atrocious Ray.

#22. The Aviator. Got nothing negative to say. DiCaprio probably should’ve won for this. Scorsese too. There’s a lot of great work up and down this thing. It also handles the descent of Hughes right. It’s a tragedy and a terrifying one. So great.

#21. The Grudge. Oh boy, the Japanese horror remake. Funny how it was such a brief trend this film’s sequel made the other list in 2006. I don’t get this trend. I get The Ring striking but the way Hollywood screamed “Make Ring again” annoys me. Again, take note that Saw hit this fall. A change happened. You could feel it.

#20. The Village. I swear I have no idea how I feel about this film. I hated it walking out. I hate the second twist. I hate Adrien Brody in it, the one time I think Shyamalan has truly issues with mental health. Joaquin Phoenix, for probably the only time in his only career, is invisible. But I love everybody else in it, especially Howard. I love the cinematography. And I love that first twist which is genius. I’ll never crack this one.

#19. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. The biggest of the frat pack movies and not a bad one. Definitely not the worst Ben Stiller movie this year. I laughed at it definitely. Even used a quote from it as a sig for a time. But it’s also never really as anarchically great as the great comedies of the year. It’s good, not great. Get ready to hear that phrase a lot.

#18. Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. This is a nothing film based on nothing books. Oh it’s nice to look at but it’s nothing. With three highly repetitive books adapted, it rapidly becomes agony. Jim Carrey begins a career long descent with only Horton Hears a Who to look forward to. Funnily enough, the Netflix version is actually what this was supposed to be with original director Barry Sonnefeld involved.

#17. Fahrenheit 9/11. :sigh: Can we all agree whatever we said about it in 2004 had nothing to do with the film? It was a propaganda rally. If you agreed with it as I did, it existed to make you feel better. It wasn’t a film. It’s barely coherent. Very poorly sourced. A lot of points made but nothing revelatory. Easily the shoddiest, most rushed film of Michael Moore’s career. There’s a reason nobody watches it now.

#16. Van Helsing. Hoo boy, this was not what Universal wanted. The mediocre $120 million gross pretty much killed this would be franchise dead. Screw it, I’m the guy who wanted more. Sure Hugh Jackman is just Wolverine but he fights vampires but this was a fun, really great looking movie. Stephen Sommers is an underrated director in my book. Not his best but a nice outing that deserved better.

#15. 50 First Dates. Why haven’t I given my thoughts on an Adam Sandler film in this column yet? This movie. This one killed dead any desire I had to watch an Adam Sandler film that wasn’t a serious effort ever again. And it should’ve worked. Sandler reteamed with Drew Barrymore after his very best solo outing should’ve been gold since she gives him a great comic partner of equal skill. Nope, she’s adrift in a premise that I’ll be blunt does not work. This is an icky film. Hated it. Next.

#14. Ocean’s Twelve. I love that this has gotten the redemption it deserves. This is Steven Soderbergh giving us his idea of a sequel. It’s recognizably Hollywood but also unabashedly Soderbergh. The plot is ludicrous and giddily subverts our expectations. Think of it not as a heist film but as a riff on the genre. Damn good.

#13. Troy. Hollywood is convinced we want “the real” version of mythical stories. Nope. I love The Iliad/The Odyssey and this is not the Iliad at all. What kills me about this film is Eric Bana is so great as Hector and Brad Pitt, who should never do a period piece ever again, is so awful as Achilles that by the end I was hoping the movie would go all the way and let Hector win for as unfaithful as it was. Bonus negative points for taunting us with a note perfect Sean Bean as Odysseus and denying us an Odyssey.

#12. I, Robot. Yup. This exists. There’s effects. Will Smith definitely gives a performance in this. This is a thing. This couldn’t more clearly be a film made to plug a hole in the summer lineup like almost every studio’s full summer slate was this year.

#11. Shark Tale. The Shrek franchise gets tarred for celebrity voices and pop culture references galore. Not untrue but you know this is 2004 which means I’ll have thoughts on Shrek coming. This is what people think of when they hate DreamWorks Animation. This is reprehensible. Horrible on every level except for Jack Black being too good. And between this, I, Robot, and Hitch Will Smith had a wretched 12 months.

#10. The Polar Express. I…really really love this movie. I do. Yes, the technique is odd but I found it transporting. Yeah there’s a lot of Tom Hanks in this but why is that bad. This is a stunner. Love it.

#9. National Treasure. I love this movie too. Not wasting time on it. Good movie.

#8. The Bourne Supremacy. A damned good film that I also have nothing to say about. With films like these you either saw them or you won’t. Just a great action film. The third is the best. There are no sequels.

#7. The Day After Tomorrow. The good keeps coming. Seriously. I dig this movie and I think it’s vital for a weird reason. Here is a movie that reminds us climate change ain’t just the Earth heating up. It’s extreme weather. This implausible example at least got the idea in the mainstream. Is this a ridiculous film? Yup. Do I love it for that? Yup.

#6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This is the film that made it clear the series would last. Handing it off to Alfonso Cuaron was a smart touch that showed the series could glow freed from Chris Columbus’ clunky style. That said there is so much cut out that really belonged. Just a nod to the Marauders would’ve been nice. Still a killer film.

#5. The Incredibles. :deep breath: Is it ok I don’t love this film like y’all do? I don’t dislike it. I think it’s very good. I liked it enough to see it twice. But of the four Brad Bird animated films I’ve seen, this is his weakest. It’s really pretty generic as someone fluent in the tropes he’s dealing in. They’re all well executed but I just don’t love it.

#4. Meet the Fockers. This movie might top Home Alone 2 in the laziest sequel script ever. Like I’m going to double back and apologize to Austin Powers 2, from the same director no less, for the comparison. This thing is lazy. Entire jokes are repeated verbatim over and over. Furthermore, this thing lacks all the style the first one had. Much weaker cinematography. And nobody was having fun. But it all comes back to the wretched script. Blech.

#3. The Passion of The Christ. I’m at a loss. This is on a technical level honestly quite staggering. Mel Gibson is a tremendously talented director. Caleb Deschanel’s cinematography is art. But what was the point? The story of Jesus of Nazareth has such dramatic moments that could be drawn from it. His death is the least of them. Why was this so agonizingly violent to the point I literally had to watch Un Chien Andalou to warm up to see it? You want an experience that matters? Find Jim Caviezel’s reading of the Sermon on the Mount. That’s great. This beautifully made work of antisemitic torture has faded from memory and rightly so.

#2. Spider-Man 2. Ok I have whiplash. This is a great comic book movie. The best Spider-Man film by far. Alfred Molina is the perfect Doctor Octopus. The fights are the best in the series. Sam Raimi felt the most in control. And the script is a mess at times. The whole psychosomatic power loss is weird and doesn’t work. But I don’t care because the film has a coherent plot and theme. Love this movie.

#1. Shrek 2. The first two Shrek films get a bad rap. The first is a strong riff on the fairy tale tropes. The second then deals with what comes next. Given that I just dinged Meet the Fockers for going into repeats, it thrills me to show what you’re supposed to do. Shrek 2 moves the characters forward. Shrek has to accept life in a society that rejected him. Fiona has to deal with the consequences of falling in love with and marrying Shrek. Even Donkey has new things to do. Then you add the new characters who rule. This is a cracking script, great animation, just everything done right. Superb film that doesn’t bug me as #1.

2006 has been a year of fascination for me for some time due to a healthy amount of Cinematour photos taken this year. I remember that more than I remember most of these films. I don’t cover the middle 50 but I could play real or fake with half of them. This was a weirdly bland year. Here’s how.

The Bottom 25

#76. Stranger Than Fiction. Right off the bat we get one of the very best films of the year. Everything about this film from the script to the acting is top-tier. This one has developed a strong reputation over the years. Good.

#77. The Illusionist. The “other” of the two magician films along with The Prestige and by far the worse film. This movie angers me as a study of magic history because of a baffling use of CGI in several shots to reproduce tricks that were quite common on stage. Not like the rest of the film was that good. Boring and predictable.

#78. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. Prequels are lazy excuses for sequels most of the time. This franchise hadn’t written itself into a corner. Still got this. No need.

#79. The Grudge 2. I like seeing the slow decay of American versions of Japanese horror films. We really milked this trend for a while and horror wasn’t fun for a while.

#80. Gridiron Gang. Dwayne Johnson spent a long time trying to figure out film. This was his “families like me but I’m not sure if I should be funny” stab. Didn’t work.

#81. Last Holiday. I haven’t seen this one but maybe that’s not ok. I like Queen Latifah. I’ll always wish Hollywood had any idea how to use her. I’m at peace that they have no idea. But she deserved better than she got. Might need to double back.

#82. Pan’s Labyrinth. Yes, it’s in the bottom 25. Of course it’s arguably the year’s best film. But let me suggest that for a Spanish language, R-rated fairy tale, this is pretty impressive. It got a solid release to the point I saw it in a nice stadium seating theater. This one did solidly. And seriously it’s hypnotically mazing.

#83. The Nativity Story. In 2006-2007, Hollywood broke its back trying to cash in on Faith Based films. This was their biggest shot and it didn’t work. In some clumsy whitewashing we got New Zealander Keisha Castle-Hughes and Guatemalan Oscar Isaac as our leads. Not good, Hollywood. Beyond Isaac being in this in his breakout, not a film of note.

#84. The Wild. How bad were things for Disney animation in the 2000s? They distributed several films from other animation houses. This won’t be one they bring out every few years.

#85. Man of the Year. Remember how this movie had such a great hook with the very zeitgeist idea of a comedian becoming president? Remember how that was NOT the plot? You don’t remember that because it was a Barry Levinson film made after 1991 that wasn’t Wag the Dog so nobody saw it.

#86. 16 Blocks. The final film to date from the legendary Richard Donner. I always feel sad when I see a film like this–mediocre and forgotten–as the swan song to someone like Donner who gave us two great Superman films.

#87. Accepted. I have no idea why I didn’t see this. I’m sure the buzz was weak but it was still my kind of film. I suppose Justin Long just strained my credibility far too hard as a high school senior. (It was SEVEN YEARS after Galaxy Quest.)

#88. The Sentinel. This kind of star driven but utterly nothing thriller was dead by the end of the decade. I’m not really sad. Michael Douglas as a Secret Service agent isn’t even a pitch. It’s a basic start.

#89. Children of Men. Another alltimer. Honestly why wasn’t this bigger? It’s a great hook with some incredible action scenes and it’s quite emotional. This wasn’t a glacial art piece. Universal kind of stumbled here on the release. Also that’s 2 of the fabled 3 amigos with Cuaron and Del Toro.

#90. Deck The Halls. Not letting go of Children of Men. How did it barely outgross a Matthew Broderick/Danny De Vito tacky comedy with an incest joke? This is staggeringly awful and yet just barely failed to outgross a truly important film.

#91. Take The Lead. Look, it wasn’t ever meant to be for Antonio Banderas in the US. He had hits but usually in ensembles or films where he wasn’t the lead. The guy was a great character actor but this kind of bland, inspirational pap wasn’t for him.

#92. Babel. Forget Accepted. This is the real “why didn’t I see this?” film of the year. Like to the point I’m tempted to seek it out since I love everyone involved. This did mark the rather brutal end to the collaboration between Alejandro Innaritu (3 for 3!) and Gulliermo Arriaga.

#93. Snakes on a Plane. Squee. I love this movie. It’s nothing more than a goofy time and it’s so great for it. I’ve expounded so many words on it. I won’t waste any more but to say it’s a comfort food movie for me.

#94. She’s the Man. An Amanda Bynes vehicle. :logs off. Goes to a window. Looks out. Feels very sad for the things he’s heard were done to her. Feels pain for her mental illness. Feels no desire to be snarky. Feels tremendous rage towards those that hurt her.:

#95. Flags of Our Fathers. What happened? This is a Clint Eastwood war movie and not one in one of his slumps. His last film was the Oscar winning smash Million Dollar Baby. This is a weird flop. That said, the Japanese language companion Letters From Iwo Jima is so much better.

#96. United 93. Is this the very best attempt at telling a true story onscreen ever? I think so. Not the best film but the closest a film got to putting us there. This was Hollywood’s first attempt at capturing 9/11 and it really should’ve been the final word.

#97. Employee of the Month. Dane Cook. Dax Shepard. Jessica Simpson. If they’d startled skunks in the theaters while a goat screaming played at deafening volume I wouldn’t have felt less interest in going.

#98. Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. Crazy fact: This thing made 4 times what it made domestically overseas. So this didn’t do enough to go to a third film, and fine, but an unexpectedly big performer.

#99. The Ant Bully. This was predicted to be a big hit. It really wasn’t.

#100. Crank. Funny how this wasn’t a big hit but had a massive impact anyway. Even got a sequel. I’d wager more of you know this film than a lot of the top 25.

The top 25

#25. Charlotte’s Web. Does anybody remember this was a thing? We got a live action Charlotte’s Web remake. Nobody remembers it. We just know the animated film. Remakes. Don’t. Matter.

#24. The Santa Clause 3: Escape Clause. Another movie that I’m floored by. It wasn’t discussed at all. Nobody I know with kids saw it. But it did better than Saw III. This is a testament to cultural memory and to how isolated you can be even when immersed in culture.

#23. Open Season. One I do remember. DreamWorks ruined animation for a long time. This wanted to be Shrek in the Woods. It outgrossed the witty and urbane Flushed Away. Seriously sad.

#22. Inside Man. Yay! Spike Lee and Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster and Clive Owen making a heist movie. How could I not love this thing? Add in a killer opening song cowritten by A.R Rahman and this is a killer afternoon. Lee’s most mainstream film but still one he can be proud of.

#21. Failure to Launch. Matthew McConaughey has correctly expressed pride in how hard these films are to make. He’s right. This is still a bad movie. A lot of talented people wasted time on this.

#20. Scary Movie 4. Anna  Faris is one of our most natural comediennes currently working. The roles she’s gotten do not reflect that. This is mostly a War of the Worlds parody. I look forward to talking about that in two weeks.

#19. Dreamgirls. Remember how this was the odds on favorite for Best Picture right up until the moment it failed to score a nomination? Not one I saw. Not one I cared about. Bill Condon makes pretty but hollow films.

#18. The Break-Up. I hate this movie so much. This is why I think Vince Vaughn is not a lead. It’s why I think Jennifer Aniston was never better than on Friends because it shows she can only play Rachel. This film wants to be a serious relationship drama but hasn’t the nerve to actually say anything. Movies like this anger me.

#17. The Devil Wears Prada. Again, not for me. I don’t care about fashion. I wasn’t the audience, didn’t go, and that’s just fine.

#16. Borat. OK I’ll level with y’all, I’m really wrestling with this one. On one hand, this is one of the great comedies of all time. On the other, the more that I examine this film, the more it feels like the joke relies on “reality” that really isn’t there. This whole film is built on intensely staged setups that are vicious examples of punching down. It’s hysterical but probably not aging well.

#15. The Departed. 2006’s Best Picture winner. This is a film that I like a lot, think is fascinating in its construction, and from a vantage point of 10 years am baffled to remember won Best Picture. It’s a great popcorn movie but coming from a director other than perpetual Oscar snub victim Martin Scorsese (who lost that here), it ain’t an award winner.

#14. Mission Impossible III. The movie that underwhelmed to the point the series had to at least start to soft reboot for the much later 4th film. Then when 4,5, and apparently 6 turned out to be quite good, it got a reevaluation. I haven’t seen these but the MI fanbase seems chill and even the ones they dislike, they’re nice on.

#13. Click. Adam Sandler is a business but he’s good at it. Look I haven’t seen one of his films (aside from Funny People) since 2004. I’ll say what I usually say. I like the guy. I respect him. I hate these movies.

#12. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Why was I so mean to Will Ferrell’s later comedies in this vein? They’re not as good as this. I love every last line of this genius comedy. It’s such a strange, well crafted film. It helps there’s an utter murderer’s row of talent in it from Sacha Baron Cohen and John C. Reilly to Amy Adams making a just pre-huge break turn. I just adore this film.

#11. Over the Hedge. I don’t adore this. DreamWorks, y’all took a nicely snarky, witty comic strip and sanded off every last edge it had. WHY. This is okay removed from its source but so not worthy of Verne and R.J.

#10. The Pursuit of Happyness. A good movie that could’ve been great if it had been honest. This breaks its back making the hero a hero. He wasn’t by his own admission and that would’ve made for something fascinating. As is, a sweet family film but nothing more.

#9. Casino Royale. James Bond supposedly went Bourne here. Nope. This is Bond going Ian Fleming. Getting back to the original novel paid off with one hell of a film. This James Bond is the first where the codename theory falters. He’s a very real person. The theory most of Die Another Day was a hallucination and this is a direct sequel ALMOST works though.

#8. Ice Age: The Meltdown. The start of this franchise running too long. Once things melt, that’s that. Once the continents drift, that’s really that. Once the dinosaurs–OK this is a weird series.

#7. Happy Feet. A legitimately very cool animated film from George Miller. This and the sequel were how he stayed sharp for Fury Road. It’s wild this is true. I’m glad he did, both for that happening and this just being awesome.

#6. Superman Returns. I really like this movie. It’s a fun, exciting third film that with the Richard Donner cut of Superman II forms a fun what if trilogy. However why the hell did WB executives ever think a hypothetical sequel to a series that wasn’t really that big with the current generation was the way to go? Attack Man of Steel all you want but at least that was an idea.

#5. The Da Vinci Code. My theory as to why this book was popular: a response to the agonizing popularity of Left Behind. This was as well written a book as those. No way was I seeing how Akiva Goldsman would execute this onscreen.

#4. X-Men: The Last Stand. For years I defended this one as a fun film that at least delivered the mayhem I wanted. Then I rewatched it. All it gives you is a great finale. As a story, it’s all over the place. It has no idea what it’s saying thematically. It sure as hell has no desire to adapt Dark Phoenix though it was handed it. It’s even kind of ugly with very flat cinematography. Useless this is.

#3. Cars. I really have a lot of warmth for this sweet film. I even like the sequel. Not a great film but so gentle and pleasant to be in. Maybe it’s my innate affection for small towns that makes me love this film. Whatever. I’m glad I’m weak for it.

#2. Night at the Museum. We made this a three film franchise. WHY? Ben Stiller has made some fine films including the brilliant The Cable Guy and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, but this is his hack age. It’s not a time to be proud of. This is 2006 in film defined: too mediocre to feel anything but bafflement at.

#1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Happily the biggest film was a solid one. I noted last time that I like the sequels a lot. Why? Because of the reasons people don’t. I love how unwieldy they are. These are big movies that give you a lot to enjoy. Huge fan. Of the first 3.

Next time, Batman Begins his image rehabilitation, stars come out in force, and the original Star Wars era ends in 2005.